There was a red light that had me stopped right before the freeway entrance. I lazily looked out of my window at the vacuum repair shop on the corner. They had recently paid to have their windows painted with a Christmas theme. I audibly laughed because whoever painted the windows hadn’t allotted enough space for “Happy Holidays” on one window. “Happy” fit just fine, (as it always seems to, doesn’t it?), but they could only fit “Holida” underneath it. “Happy Holida——ys!” read the two windows. How perfect. I admired the faint glow coming from inside the shop, the checkered window framing, the old vacuum ads. I caught myself imagining that there must be a magical hour inside the shop; that if I came by often enough, maybe I’d befriend a quirky old man who would reveal to me that there was a door in the back that led you to an alternate time. Maybe with knights, or dragons, or bizarre animals that talked. I caught myself believing it. I caught myself believing that life could be like an early 80s movie with talking dragon dogs and little gnomes. That was something else.
All manners of love at any cost. Secret Santa. Christmas shopping. Five dollar comedy shows. Writing on my car. Buying wrapping paper. Remembering good times. Saving things. Decorating the tree. Smelling good smells. Brushing my teeth before bed. Day by day by day by day, one day and one day and one day and one day at a time. Every day a different day but every day can be okay if you remember that. It is love. I will have to run or hide.
work eight hours, come home, take binder off, eat half a sandwich, masturbate, take a nap while spooning a pillow pet. then when i wake up i’ll go to the store for stuffing ingredients, lay in bed, think about cuddling, masturbate, go to sleep spooning a pillow pet, wake up, make stuffing, and spend my night at work for thanksgiving.
It’s been significantly colder lately, which is nice, even though the cold weather makes me want to curl up in my squeaky bed and cuddle. I’ve enjoyed the cold for the most part though. I got to sleep in nice warm socks all night last night. My room feels less looming now. I don’t mind being at home as much, and driving in the rain has been so comforting. It feels like something in life is hugging me. Something saw me and knew, and then reached out to hug me for a couple days. I appreciate that. Tonight after I walked through the parking lot at work and got in my car, a girl knocked on my window (scaring me to death) and told me she liked all the writing on my car. I love that. I love when people honk at the writing on my car. Someone always seems to honk when I’m having a shitty drive and then I just feel more welcome in this world.
I said November can be better and it has been. I’m Mr. November. It’s still hard but I understand and feel good about how I’m taking care of myself and living and caring and supporting and holidays and work and driving and sleeping and. It’s LVLY2CU.
I have an eventful afternoon today. I’m currently at the center in LA for my 3 month follow up with dr maddie, even though I’m only 11 weeks today? I have no idea. After that, I have a trans support group meeting at the center in long beach, and then tonight I’m seeing a midnight premiere of catching fire. I am thankful for this day. I have to poop but I can’t poop here. I won’t get to poop for at least another two hours. Omfg I farted and it stinks. I’m sorry.
Shout out to over-sexed teenagers. Shout out to sex abbreviations that sound like the word “puberty.” Shout out to animal euthanasia as sexual innuendo. Shout out to the new genre: nymphomaniac pop. Shout out to my Biebs. Go get some, bro. I’ll be reading the psalms, eating Scotch oatmeal cookies, etc. The world is abundant.
I just preordered a sufjan reissue and my heart is beating SO FUCKING FAST and I’m SO HAPPY AND EXCITED. I needed this. I feel exactly how excited I felt last year when I preordered the Christmas box set. I needed this so bad. AH
I was scrambling for something to do today/tonight so that I didn’t have to be home and now I’m going to a comedy show in LA at the UCB theatre. Shit keeps taking care of itself for me and for that I’m so glad.
Exceptionally nice, simple things happened for me on a Saturday. I got a back scratch/rub from a friend which was really nice because I haven’t gotten one since the end of summer. It’s a full moon. All of the roads that I know were blanketed with my favorite bluish glow. My head was cold, and I found my beanie in my car. I’m going to assume it was my sufjan-esque revelation I had last night. All manners of love at any cost. Thanks sufjan.