I stopped a second to catch my breath. I’d spent the last half hour runnin’ away from a big group’a goons. The Crawlers, they liked to call themselves. Not cause of themselves were crawlers, but because after they were done with you, you’d be crawlin’ back to your momma, cryin for her hushed voice and hiccuping for a glass of warm milk.

I’d heard this was true. I could hear them kicking an empty pop can in the distance, letting me know they were around. Empty metallic warnings. Aluminum death wishes, in my opinion.

I didn’t have no plans to find out, that was for sure.

It wasn’t til after my hour long tutoring session did they see me walkin out of ol’ Miss Renhorn’s house. She walked me down the front steps, handed me a paper plate of shepherd’s pie to take home, and patted me right on the head.

I’m getting just about too old for these head pats, I thought to myself.

But I smiled just the same, cause Miss Renhorn was a nice woman who didn’t mind my stuttering, and complete lack of know-how in algebra. She was a sweet lady.

i never exactly feel prepared
for a feeling to happen to me
when it does. i watch myself
provide bumpers for any incoming feeling
that isn’t welcome: a song to play
at full volume on the way home from work,
a piece of toast and raspberry jam
with seeds that always get stuck
between my teeth.

a dream is thinking
of a kiss as we stand outside before the day
begins, maybe in front of a brownstone
in prospect heights. new york is
a dream to me now: half because
of my love for sufjan stevens, the other
because i think only new york
could love me with enough anonymity
to leave me alone.

summer for each person is relative.
she sings lowly in the doorway,
with the bathroom full of warm, sticky fog.
san diego looms in the distance.
the need to provide for her is an
all consuming thrum inside of me.
wishing for a long and hot
drive to salvation mountain, nights
in cities where lights bathe us
and everything else in a fluorescent glow.
i ask if there are any places near by
that sell coffee in real ceramic coffee cups,
where we can sit inside
and while i stare out the window
with people walking by, i play house.

the summer is only as far away
as i make it. each month is relative to me.
the heat will riddle me with sweat
and i will hate my body.
it will wear me right down
to the bone but i

i dream of it anyway during this
the song of spring; cherry blossoms

Between the ages of five and eleven, I spent three weeks of every summer with my cousin Austin at our grandparent’s house in Troy, Idaho. I shared a room with my grandma, and she would snore every night. We’d sneak into our grandpa’s bathroom and use his shaving cream on our faces. We played in the backyard, pretending to be cowboys, pirates, secret agents, wild dogs. We pretended to drive my grandpa’s lawnmower like a car.

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We went camping. Once, Austin and I were sitting down at the shore on the river, and he dropped a really big rock on my head. “I’m going to tell on you!” I screamed angrily through pained tears. I raced back to the campsite before he could beat me to it and give an alternate story. He didn’t get in trouble anyway. We begged grandpa to let us help carry firewood to the firepit. I felt very strong.

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We drank diet, caffeine free pepsi from cans sitting in the ice chest. I caught fuzzy caterpillars and put them in my bug container. My grandma heard the news of Princess Diana’s death on the television while she was cooking in the motor home. I felt sad. I didn’t know that princesses could die. My grandma let me use the film camera to take pictures to distract me from the news. It worked.

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I begged my grandpa to let me sit in the front of the boat when we’d drive down the lake. After a few hours of pleading, he said yes.

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We loved our grandpa. We loved summer. We loved camping.

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We ate Oreo O’s for breakfast every morning. My grandma cut up pieces of cheese and salami as a snack. She brewed tea in the sunlight, on the porch that my grandpa built. On the morning of the day we were going to the zoo, I laid in bed for what felt like hours. Something was wrong. I felt too hot, I felt too cold. I threw up down the side of the bed. They wouldn’t let me go to the zoo after that. We caught locusts in jars, and shrieked with disgusted, happy laughter when our grandpa made us hold the fish we’d caught that day. They were so slimy! My grandpa and Aunt Cindy sat on the porch in the afternoon sunlight, while Austin and I tried to get their attention. “Look what I can do!” I screamed as I rolled down the hill in the backyard, getting grass stains on my clothes.

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My grandpa had a miniature australian shepherd named Mandy, and when Austin and I would argue and start wrestling, she would bark until we stopped. We went to a cherry tree farm and picked ripe, juicy cherries right off the trees, dropping them into tin buckets. Our fingers were stained purple. We laughed and burped cherry flavored burps, after popping them into our mouths instead of dropping them into the buckets. We ate more than we took home. We ate idaho spuds from the drug store down the street. Our grandma bought us “Someone In Troy, Idaho Loves Me!” shirts from the same drug store. We ate open-faced chilli burgers from the diner. I learned to tie my shoes. Our grandparents took pictures of us in harvested wheat fields.

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We loved summer. We loved Troy, Idaho. We loved our grandparents.

I’m never sure who a poem is
about when I write it.
I feel a distant longing for girls
I’m not sure ever existed.
I let myself feel hurt
by things that never happened
to me. You never happened to
me. It hurts.

I’m not sure which who you
are or which what you did to
me, but I know that the empty
tables make me sad. The cold
weather feels like a one-armed hug
after a talk about hurt feelings.
The six hour closing shift feels
like a lukewarm bowl of soup
and when I walk past strangers
I pretend to zip up my jacket.

I create two new rules.

Speak a girl’s name only in rooms
where people are learning a
new language. Say it like you
understand what it’s supposed
to mean but can’t figure out
how to pronounce it.
Her name is so foreign to you
that it only sounds right when
someone else says it.

When she touches you, imagine
that it is the end of the world,
so that if she ever stops, you
won’t know the difference.
Here are your fault lines.
Her hands come rumbling like
an earthquake beneath your
surface. Her kisses crack you up.
And then it ends, but it is only
a change in the weather, tiny
bouts of hail on the sunroof or
a meteor hurtling toward your
bedroom where, incidentally, she is
no longer touching you.

In the afterlife I am happy,
one hundred and twenty-five pounds,
and not thinking about kissing postcards
sent from some vague amalgamation
of all the girls who never kissed me
or those who did
but don’t no more.

I.

three days ago I wrote a poem about
what kisses look like but I hated it because
I equated them to strawberries with
the stems cut off, or a silver gel pen
when I’m not getting kisses I don’t like
a lot of things

II. (Three Days Ago)

we make a mess and wait for someone
to clean it up
aren’t I small, sweet, and
too convenient to pass up?
I know what kisses look like
a strawberry with the stem cut off
a silver gel pen
isn’t it antiquated to say
“I could fix that if you’d
let me get a real good look at it”

III.

I wanted for you to pick me up
But I’m not heavy like that

Dec 20th, A Poem In The Preliminary

We broke it again.

Sit down for the remainder of the year.
A faucet only leaks until
you turn the water off

I broke it again.

No one knows how but I found a way
to keep a rabbit in my back pocket,
waiting for the perfect time
to show you a magic trick.
Every method of magic involves
some showing, and telling,
and a big reveal.

Surprise. I’m not in love with you.

It’s the day before the end
of the world
or the mayan calendar
or my second job
or any semblance of routine
that I once had before I broke it
again. Damn,
I always do that

She’s so sorry for hiding behind
a foggy glass window and he’s so sorry
for not turning the defroster on.
He couldn’t find the button in the car
and didn’t mind the frost all that much.
I’m so sorry for loving you
from behind a dented door.

So you broke it again.
Or I broke it.
Or it was broken before.
Or someone dropped it.
Or it was never there.
Surprise, I have no idea which one
is right or which one is true.

It rained two weeks ago,
also yesterday, a few days before that,
and probably next week.
Clouds rumble around with their fists
strong enough to block a city
from the sun.
The dark is alright, and we don’t mind
the rain.

What day is it?
How many hours do we have until the world
blooms in ash and fire,
with lovers gripping kisses in their fists
and thieves carrying broken things
in their trench coats?

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Here are the passive aggressive heart
murmurs. The cracked skin on her lips. The
resigned crooked index finger.

I will have to pull it all in or
find a shallow grave to bury
me from it. I could be better in death.

It could be better in a cardboard box.
But it’s fine where it lays alright
at night. I am fine here but somehow still
unwell. Still unrest. Still not at my best but
possibly good enough to be good enough.

I won’t ask how it works. If a clock ticks
you don’t ask if it’s sure of the time,
do you? What kind of questions do you ask when
we’re sitting, pressed up in corners?

It has been good. It is good now. How the good
can be good while the bad can exist within it is
beyond me. As are the days I sleep too much
but am still tired. I won’t ask how it works.

I won’t ask the clock if it’s sure of
the time when I’ve got time enough to know that
the good can be good and I could be better in death
but I am better here. Now.

I.

Now when it is two hours past
an apppropriate time to sleep, I am
driving home, but the detour guides
me elsewhere. I take Katella Ave
to the 605. I think of pressing my
lips against a cold glass abdomen,
or curling up against a granite counter top

I reacquaint my body
This is what hard feels like
This is what it is like to love an
immovable object

II.

If it doesn’t happen to me,
what will I do?

remember that time after
a girl when i felt like
i was going to die and
i spent a month in the
mountains, and a summer
going everywhere with two
boys i’d only known for a
few months. and i thought
i found myself again in
san francisco?

or the second time after
a girl when i felt like
i was going to die, and
i watched fireworks from
the pool in the desert with
my teeth clattering
together and i spent
halloween walking  down
the street with coffee,
looking in on someone else’s
party?

or the third time after
a girl when i felt like
i was going to die, again
and i got a job serving
burgers to the sunburned
suburban public, and i
spent the summer driving
down beach boulevard with
bottle caps in my pocket,
and i thought i found
myself again in new york?

i know i’m going to feel like
i’m going to die, again
but god damn i feel most alive
when i remind myself that
i am

God I love New York
and I hate white wine
And I love New York
And I hate 4:30pm traffic
And I love New York
And I hate waking up tired
And I love New York
And I hate smelly socks
And I love New York
And I hate open-mouth chewing
And I love New York
And I hate losing games
And I love New York
And I hate myself, sometimes
And I love New York
And I hate being angry
But I love New York,
And I hate to go away

A boy, all red-faced
and cold handed in unmatching
gloves, armed with a list of
inspirational prepared phrases.

Steam escaping from his lips
quivers before the taxi.
An existential crisis on 101st St.
There’s got to be more to one thing
if there’s anything less than this,
right?

Right?

Caught in the urgency!
“Today’s the day,” or
“It’s now or never” or “If not now, when?”
or “Pace yourself”

Street spit, coins for coffee,
metro card with fifty cents on it,
repetition, investigation,
curious glances, voyeurism, hot steam,
packing a bowl, couch crashing,
imagination, patronization, cheap
candy, tourists, cyclists,
rhyme schemes, hostels, checked bags,
washroom rags, toothpaste, heart ache,
Queens, Astoria, the Upper Eastside,
42nd Street, Grand Central Station,
masturbation, cultivation,
communication! Is it the key?

So when he tried to communicate
that he wanted to steal a kiss;
which he never did, cause he doesn’t wanna
get sloppy and put his neck out—

He hid that key under the welcome mat
outside his front door.

I drink ginger ale.
I write another poem
Using too many “I’s”
On a Jetblue napkin

It is 5:00am on a big red couch,
Where has all the money gone?
Your side is so warm
I will keep my hand there
In the midst of chatter, your
Silence
Worried me, but in sleep it brings peace
In Astoria

On the corner of 59th & 5th
Looking for my friends, who are on
64th. I’ve got a few streets to walk
And have I told you that I love you?
I’ve got to tell you
That I love you. I’m almost there

The subway is crowded. So many smells!
Did someone touch me?
If I could just shift a little to the left.
Turn the music down, please
People are trying to be nice
And I’ve got to see it

It is cold. I am tired.
There are too many things in my pockets
Money. Receipts. Chapstick.
Metro card. Camera. Smashed pack
Of spearmint bubble gum.

I’ll keep it simple. One two three
Trumpet man outside of the 1 train
The buildings are so tall
Hair smells the same
Our smiles like low warm whistles

New York!
A penny for every fountain
Three dollar bag of nuts
A crowded subway ride to any place
And have you seen us out here?
We’re so small. I like that.

the cricket in the kitchen
doesn’t ask questions

come to think of it,
i don’t think i could fit a
question mark (size 12 font,
times new roman)
where his brain should be

that’s funny
that’s quite alright, really

i’ve got supper made
it’s just past three in the morning
and i think, i’ve answered a lot
of questions today
and i’m tired

what a thoughtful cricket,
he really understands
so we sit like that
for quite some time

This heat is exhausting
There is nothing as tired
As the hot sun makes me
Like the dog before the shot gun
Whimpering
“If only the rain would come,” he thinks
I think, if only

Your young love gets caught
In my teeth like little bug legs
Ah, the bed cloths at your ankles
Fuck and wish for fog
Laying atop Beach Boulevard
For sleepy automobiles to burp
And bustle through

“I am tired,” he thinks
He is the dog before the shot gun
Except no one,
No one pulls the trigger before the whimper
Because time does heal
And the rain will always come